


The Tsar’s Journal

by NukeRose



Category: Original Work
Genre: Alternate Future, Alternate History, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:53:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22484446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NukeRose/pseuds/NukeRose
Summary: The Journal of Alexander Newman, His Imperial Majesty the Tsar, Emperor and Autocrat of All the New Russian Empire.
Relationships: Alexander Newman/Connor Ivanovich Petrenko





	1. Prologue

Prologue:

In 2001, following the terrorist attacks on 9/11 the world descended into terror and chaos in a series of events known as the Cataclysm. From the ashes of this catastrophe rose several Super States:

  1. The Scottish-American Empire.
  2. The New Spanish Empire.
  3. The New Japanese Empire.
  4. The Global Russian Federation.



In Russia, in 2011, a bloody civil war broke out between the government of the Global Russian Federation and a massive confederation of rebels who sought the restoration of the Russian Royal Family to the throne of the Tsar. Both sides took heavy losses, with the Federalist faction losing President Putin and a vast majority of his lieutenants, and the Tsarist faction losing the only surviving members of the Romanov family either in battle or to murder.

When the war concluded in 2019, the Tsarists claimed victory. However, they now had a problem. They had restored the throne, but had no one to sit on it with a blood claim to the crown, or at least no one still living in Russia. A long kept state secret emerged. In March 1663, a year and four months before his death on the orders of Empress Elizabeth, the infant minded and deposed Emperor Ivan VI was raped by a 16-year-old woman named Svetlana Fyodorovna who had disguised herself as a messenger from the Empress. She soon discovered that she was pregnant. She was able to hide her pregnancy for four months before she was discovered by a courtier and reported to the Empress.

When the Empress Elizabeth was informed of this, she was enraged and ordered the woman be banished from Russia when the baby was born. She fled first to England, and then boarded a ship to the Americas. She eventually ended up in Virginia, where she changed her name to Sarah and would marry a wealthy landowner by the name of Henry Newman. Soon after, the Revolutionary War passed, and the family relocated to Kentucky. The young boy, who she named Alexander, never knew that he was the son of an Emperor, for his mother concealed it from him. He grew and joined the Army, fighting the British in the War of 1812, and eventually married a woman named Christina and had a single son named Theodore. Their descendants became politicians, army men, working men, and in some cases criminals (mostly bootleggers). Their surviving descendants, descendants of Tsar Ivan V and Emperor Ivan VI, were the new heirs to the revived Russian throne. One by one, members of the family were tracked down. None of the descendants could read, speak, or write Russian, but this was considered a minor problem.

In 2019, the family matriarch, Madeline Newman, was approaching 90 years old, far too old to become Empress, but she had several children. The oldest a daughter, followed by four sons, the oldest of whom was dead, and another of whom was disowned as a traitor to the family. One by one, the delegation approached members of the family, who balked and sneered at the offer presented to them, thinking it nothing but a joke. It was when they approached the Matriarch’s third son that they received their first relatively warm welcome. The man, Gregory, was nearing 60 years old and of exceedingly failing health. He suggested to the delegation that they ask his two sons, the 26-year-old Nathaniel Wayne, and the 24-year-old Alexander Gregory.

Nathaniel was twenty six, short, thin by the family’s usual standard, and very balding. He was married, with his first child on the way. He was a sled technician for General Motors. He was college educated, he was outspoken, held a mostly traditional Christian religious view, and was very American. However, he was arrogant, misogynistic, chauvinistic, and he had succumbed to the families rampant racism and hatred of most people different from themselves. When the delegation reluctantly offered him the Crown, he refused because he was happy with his life as it was, and because he considered Russia the natural enemy of America, and therefore hated it.

When the delegation approached the younger son, the twenty four-year-old Alexander, they were shocked at the differences between him and his more redneck-like brother. The two could not be more different. Where Nathaniel was straight, married and expecting a child, Alexander was homosexual and perpetually single due to the trauma he suffered when he lost his childhood sweetheart and fiancé Richard to Cancer three years previously. Where Nathaniel was a relatively well off automotive worker, Alexander was a comparatively poor cashier at a convenience store. Where Nathaniel was short, Alexander was tall. Where Nathaniel was thin, Alexander was heavily built (bordering on Obese). Where Nathaniel was almost completely bald, Alexander routinely gloated about being the only man in his family to sport a full head of curly dirty blond hair. More importantly, while Alexander was as arrogant as his brother and arguably more stubborn than the rest of his family combined, he held none of his brother or family’s racist tendencies. Nor did he have any of his brother’s misogynistic tendencies. He befriended many of different backgrounds to himself. His best friend was part Native American and practiced the Pagan religion. Just about the only thing the two brothers shared was a sense of loyalty, an invincible stubbornness, and an explosive temper. Alexander's temper however, was undoubtedly more explosive than his brothers.

When the delegation approached Alexander, he observed them with cold interest, his glaring green eyes staring into the eyes of each delegate. He had several issues of his own with Russia, including the Russian governments abysmal treatment of the LGBTQ+ community, as well as it’s interference in the American election that resulted in the election of Donald Trump. He made it clear that if he accepted the job, he would be instituting many different changes immediately. The delegation agreed, and told him that as Emperor he would wield unlimited, Autocratic power, and then presented him with a locked case. He was then given the key. Opening the case, he beheld the massive Imperial Crown, created by Catherine the Great, and worn by every subsequent Tsar and emperor. With reverence and enormous care, he withdrew the crown from the case and sat it on his table. He was then presented with the Imperial Uniform and Robe, which he asked if he could try on to see how it would look. He put it on and stared at himself in the mirror for seven solid minutes, shocked the site before him. Finally, he turned from the mirror and approached the table. He took the crown into his hands, and stared at it for several long moments, before exhaling shakily and placing it on his head. He turned to the delegation sitting before him, and shakily spoke only two words in a fake but uncannily realistic Russian accent: “I accept.”

The delegation kneeled at his feet and chorused "Long Live the Emperor" in exuberant shouts. The new Emperor was immediately handed the paperwork, and for the next six hours and thirty seven minutes he read and signed them. With his final signature, it was made official. News crews had been informed of the delegations presence, and they now congregated outside of the house to await the news. When the doors opened, and the delegation emerged, they escorted the new Emperor to the waiting cavalcade of cars that would take the party to the airport.

The news quickly spread: On December 17th, 2019, for the first time since 1917, Russia had an Emperor.

On the way to the airport, Alexander made his first acts as Emperor. Several of these acts alarmed the delegation, and made several of them regret their offering the crown to him. The first act was to extend Russian citizenship and full diplomatic immunity to his three best friends, Cody Lee Baker, Jason Walker Halsey, and John Harris Jr. He requested that the three of them, along with Halsey’s young son Lucas (who was the Emperors godson), accompany him to Russia. The three readily agreed and piled into the SUV with the New Emperor. No care was offered to the mother of the child, a woman the four men thoroughly disliked and whom all three suspected of only having the child to trap Halsey and prevent him from leaving her. She screamed and begged, threatened and hissed, but to no avail. She chased them down the street as the cavalcade drove away.

His second act was to demand an audience with Kim Jung Un, the Supreme Leader of North Korea, to be scheduled for sometime in the next month. During the summit, the Emperor would present him with a list of demands, and if the Supreme Leader would not submit, Russia would cut all diplomatic and economic ties with North Korea and lay the country under a blockade, before bombing Pyongyang and the major North Korean cities to dust. The entire rest of the population of the car, including Baker, Halsey, and Harris, immediately turned white at such a prospect, voicing their objections. Alexander levied a furious glare at them, stating he would not allow some psychotic maniac like Kim Jung Un to terrorize the world with threats of nuclear devastation, and that the "Insane Little Hermit" would submit or be destroyed. Russia at this point was the only ally that North Korea had left, with China's dissolution of all diplomatic and economic relations with the country in 2014.

His third act was his new name. From then on, he would be known as Alexander Gregoryvitch Romanov, His Imperial Majesty the Tsar Alexander IV, Emperor and Autocrat of All The Russias.

His fourth act was to legalize same sex marriage across Russia, and ban the persecution of people based on their race, religion, sexual orientation or gender identity.

The delegation looked terrified as the new Emperor stated his plan, but they knew it was too late to backtrack. The documents had already been signed, and the declaration had already been made. As they spoke, Alexander was being announced to his subjects as the new Emperor of Russia. Whatever happened after that day could not be stopped.

The rest of the ride to the airport was silent, although their departure was halted due to Alexander's demand that a case of Coca Cola be procured so that he would have something to drink during the flight. The flight to Russia was a quiet one, with most of the party falling asleep right as they left American air space. Alexander slept right up until the plane landed in St. Petersburg. The party was immediately conducted to the Winter Palace. The next morning they would travel to Moscow, where the coronation of the Tsar would take place twenty days later on New Year's Day 2020, at the Cathedral of the Dormition.

During the intervening time between his arrival and his coronation, Alexander set about with making laws. The summit with Kim Yung Un was scheduled for January 22nd, 2020. The President of Chechnya swore allegiance to the Emperor and ordered his purges to cease, and then "retired" into exile. He was hailed as a man of the people by the LGBTQ+ community for his advocacy and his institution of Pro LGBTQ+ laws in Russia. He ordered the immediate and permanent burial of the body of Vladimir Lenin, and the destruction of any monuments to the mass murdering Josef Stalin. He also set about with the difficult task of learning to speak, read, and write Russian (He would only use it in public for speeches or state functions, or in the signing of official documents. In private, he still spoke and wrote mostly English with a growing Russian accent).

On New Year's Day 2020, the Coronation of Emperor Alexander IV was held and televised. The whole of Russia watched, as did at least a billion others across the world. He delivered his coronation oath and speech from the throne in shaky and slowly delivered Russian. He confirmed that he intended to rule as Autocrat, but also announced that he was setting up several new government departments that would be headed up by people from all over the world who were the most advanced in their field, effectively establishing a cross between Autocracy and Technocracy.

On January 22nd, 2020, the Emperor met with Kim Jung Un. After two weeks of intense negotiations, and at least a recorded seventy two threats of war against North Korea, Kim Jung Un capitulated to the Russian demands, and his nation was absorbed into the New Russian Empire. The agreement read thus:

  * North Korea will become a semi-independent satellite state of the New Russian Empire, and the borders between Russia and North Korea were to be opened and people were to allowed free passage to leave or enter the country if they wished without fear of reprisal by the government.
  * The prison camps were to be dissolved and the prisoners turned over to Russia to be sent to hospitals across the country.
  * The immediate suspension of the North Korean Nuclear Program.
  * The North Korean Government will allow aid from the outside world to reach its people.
  * The censoring of media in North Korea will be discontinued.
  * Kim Yung Un will be allowed to keep his position as ruler of the country, with the condition that the Emperor will be his overlord.



This journal began its existence scarcely five weeks later. On the advice of King Robert IV, King and Emperor of the Scottish, Tsar Alexander IV purchase the book at a small stationary store in St. Petersburg, and began recording his personal thoughts. This gives a unique insight into the man who went from cashier to Emperor in less than a year.


	2. February 17th 2020.

February 17th, 2020,

Today, I attended a meeting of the world's leaders. It was a fascinating experience, to say the least. All the world's leaders assembled in the same room My very first thought upon entering the room was "How the hell did I end up here?" Until very recently I worked as a cashier at a Walgreens convenience store in Flint Michigan. I was dealing with drug addict beggars bothering my customers by harassing them until they forked over a couple of bucks to buy their silence, and assholes who refused to show their fucking driver's licenses to buy cigarettes because they thought I was a government agent sent to steal their personal information... I wish I was joking.

Anyway, the world leaders. Most of them were impressive figures to behold.

The first to make my acquaintance was the new Emperor of Japan, Toyatomi I. He is a portly fellow of short stature who is also very obviously not Japanese. He is American. Oh, the irony. He spoke no Russian, and I must confess that my ability to speak Japanese is beyond abysmal. Luckily we both speak fluent English.

I have found that he is a very agreeable man possessed by good sense and stern but peaceable leadership skills. I sense that for as long as he rules he will be a powerful ally. His young son, the Crown Prince Lucas, has taken an immediate liking to me. The entire time I conversed with his father, the boy wanted me to hold him and cried when I put him down. When asked about his wife, the Emperor scowled and stated "the harpy" was left in Japan.

The second leader I was introduced to was one I had already met. His Majesty, King Robert IV, The God King of Scots. While he is shorter in person than one might expect, his gargantuan personality and force of will more than compensate. Under him, the Scottish Empire rivals mine in power because of one single conquest that I am admittedly insanely jealous of. The conquest I speak of is, of course, his control over the vast majority of the former United States of America. The only one of the old states that we control is California. His cousin Shelby is also the only reason I still draw breath. She saved me from an assassins bullet during my tour of Scotland, so I made her the Tsarina of Russia. My co-ruler, Empress Maeve I of Russia (although I did not marry her. We're both gay).

King Robert was the first of the other world leaders I met after my ascension to the throne. When I came to power after the Great Cataclysm, I sent scouts to Britain to see if it could be conquered. King Robert greeted them personally on the shores of Scotland and charged them with delivering an invitation to me to meet with him in person in Edinburgh. I gladly accepted, in shock that another empire had risen so soon after the Great Cataclysm. Now, he is my second closest advisor. He is second only to the Tsarina.

The final introduction that was made was the one I was dreading the most. The King of the New Spanish Empire, King John I of Spain. I could tell by the end of the conference today that we would end up going to war with this imbecile within the next two years at least. The mind of the King of Spain is addled by alcoholism and drug abuse of an alarmingly high frequency and severity. He recently legalized heavy drugs such as heroin and cocaine in his empire, but completely failed to implement any safe guards or contingencies against the inevitable consequences. Safe guards that any logical ruler would see were not only necessary, but mandatory. It has been recorded that there has been a 500% rise in drug overdose related deaths, that can be counted as a direct result of this insane, irresponsible and dangerous legalization of substances that elsewhere in the world are outlawed. In Russia, possession, sale, or purchase of such substances carries a minimum sentence of five years in a labor prison.

At today's conference, it indeed seemed as though the King of Spain had sampled an impressive assortment of such products. He constantly slurred his speech, he stumbled whenever he decided to lurch around in a pathetic attempt at walking, and throughout most of the day he seemed utterly incoherent. We addressed our concerns over his behavior, and he became belligerent and hostile, claiming that it was no business of ours to interfere in Spanish affairs. I was unable to restrain my outrage and openly accused him of being an incompetent simpleton who stumbled upon his throne by sheer dumb luck. Eventually Toyatomi became so irritated he stormed out of the conference and refused to return if King John was still in attendance.

King John managed to regain enough sobriety towards the later hours of the conference. Well, enough to speak without slurring. We raised our concerns, again, and he seemed utterly unconcerned with the lives and wellbeing of his millions of subjects. He spoke with such a flippant tone about the potential suffering and mass casualties of his policies that I nearly pulled my pistol on him. The only reason I didn't is because Robert insisted that we enter the meetings unarmed as a show of good faith.

King John, however, seemed more concerned with flirting with his Queen. The Queen of Spain is a horrible woman name Isabella, and she bears no resemblance in any form to the legendary Queen Isabella of Spain. She is a ditzy, unsightly, uncouth, rude, prattling, shrieking, sycophantic brown nosing wench of a woman I have ever had the supreme displeasure of laying my eyes on, let alone making the acquaintance of… and she is the Queen of fucking Spain. God help us all. By the time the conference had ended, Robert and I both promised to declare war on Spain if the situation had not been resolved within the year.

His Majesty,

Tsar Alexander IV.


	3. February 27th, 2020.

February 27th, 2020:

Today has proven to be a horrible one. One so horrible it makes me yearn for the days when I could get paralytic drunk on vodka. Unfortunately for me, I am now the undisputed ruler of the largest empire on the face of God's green Earth. So instead of getting clattered, I shall write in this journal and I shall begin with more pleasant matters first. The Tsarina and I had a conversation about the future and our potential future families. We have decided that we will each have the right to our own consorts and children, since as I mentioned before we are both of the homosexual persuasion. She is already passionately in love with a very lovely woman, yet I find that no man as of yet peaks my interest enough to warrant a second glance or thought, let alone one good enough to become the Emperor Consort of the Russian Empire.

Now, onto more unpleasant matters.

First, Spain. This morning, I was awoken to disgusting news that drove me to rage. The region of Spain known as Catalonia rebelled against its King. By "rebelled" I mean that hundreds of thousands of people took to the streets across the region to protest the King's actions and apathy to their suffering. King John's response was to send in the Spanish Home Army and order them to destroy the protesters with such brutality it makes me feel physically ill. The Army burnt a dozen cities to the ground, and the estimated death toll is in the tens of thousands. Thousands of innocent Spanish citizens murdered by their own ruler. It has gone too far. What King John has done is not only a crime of treason against his own subjects, they are crimes against humanity that have no place in this Post Cataclysm world. It is now clear that we have no other choice. The only way to save the people of the Spanish Empire, is to invade and topple the regime of King John.

Our first response was immediate invasion. To invade Brazil and South America, then Latin America, then Africa, Middle East, Oceania and Southern Asia. Instead we decided on a slyer plan. Toyatomi, Robert and I have secretly begun funneling billions of dollars into the cause of a rebel, who is in exile, on the run in Russian Turkey. Justin Cook has been fighting to free Spain since John took power. We have contacted him and we have proposed that instead of merely freeing Turkey, he topple the King. In exchange for our money and weapons, at the conclusion of the uprising, Russia will claim ownership and control of Spain and Portugal. Scotland will gain control of Iceland, Cuba and the Bahamas. Russia will cede Turkey, Bulgaria, and Oman, and assist in the establishment of a new Turkish Empire from the ruins of the Spanish disaster. Justin will step in as the new Ottoman Emperor.

Another unpleasantness to deal with is Chechnya. Their semi-autonomy has led to their leader becoming a tyrant, and for the last few years he has been rounding up the LGBT community in Chechnya and sending them to camps where many have died. Tomorrow will begin the invasion of Chechnya. I will see that bastard hung, drawn, and quartered.

-Tsar Alexander IV.


	4. May 23rd, 2020.

May 23rd, 2020.

Well, a lot has happened since I last jotted something down in this little book.

Let's start with the fall of King John and the Spanish, and the rise of Sultan Emperor Justin I of the New Ottoman Empire.

Our plan went off without a hitch. On April 5th, 2019, the revolutionary leader, Mr. Justin Cook, assassinated King John and took control with our backing. We (Russia) ceded Turkey, Bulgaria and Oman, he ceded Portugal and Spain, and now the New Ottoman Empire rules with peace and prosperity where the Spanish Empire failed.

After his coronation, Robert, Toyatomi, and I met with him in person. The new Ottoman Emperor, Sultan Justin I, did not first appear to be a very capable or bloodthirsty revolutionary. In fact, we have discovered that he is very noticeably Autistic. He is very excitable, rather loud (we frequently had to remind him to quiet down), and extremely friendly. Instead of greeting us with handshakes, he gave us all bear hugs, which shocked us. Not that it was unwelcome, it was simply unexpected. Altogether, an affable fellow of happy temperament.

It wasn’t until the second hour of our meeting that we saw a glimpse of his iron fist. An aide told him that a regiment in Oman had murdered a group of protesters who had gathered to protest their exit from the Russian Empire and their entrance into the New Ottoman Empire. Sultan Justin ordered that the offending soldiers be executed Blood Eagle style. This means the soldiers would be placed in prone positions, their ribs would be severed from their spines with a sharp tool, and their organs pulled through the opening to create a pair of "wings". King Robert and I sat in bare faced shock as the order was given, although we thoroughly approved.

He also helped me deal with my little Chechnyan problem by sending ten thousand Turkish troops to help secure and capture the President of Chechnya… then he sent an assassin to the prison where the President was being kept.

I gifted Justin a set of palaces for that.

I have repurposed several castles in France to act as hospitals and temporary housing for the victims of these anti-gay purges, until such a time arrives that we can relocate them to more permanent homes. The government is paying for their recoveries personally. I would not allow anything less. It is partially the government's fault for allowing these people to suffer for as long as they did. I've made it illegal for people to discriminate against people for their sexual orientation.

This is a small list of some of the new laws I've instituted in the Russian Empire

  1. Universal health care.
  2. State funded orphanages.
  3. Doctors without borders.
  4. International day of Freedom.
  5. Education including basic life skills: basic banking, driving, paying bills, voting, paying taxes, record keeping and accounting, Weapon respect and handling, Logic, basic first aid.)
  6. Education including basic survival skills: (camping, hunting, cooking, cleaning, fishing, home maintenance, basic navigation skills).
  7. Ban on all harmful illicit substances such as cocaine, heroin, LSD, etc.
  8. The Catholic Church may remain in operation, but they must pay the government 40% of their annual revenue in taxes. Any more scandals will result in the tax rate rising to 75% of their annual revenue in taxes.
  9. Any form of hate speech (racist, homophobic, islamaphobic, transphobic, anti Semitic, etc) is illegal and carries with it a punishment of 10 years in prison per offence.
  10. Support of, and or membership in terrorist organizations, both foreign and domestic, is a crime of the severest nature, for it carries with it a charge of high treason. The punishment for high treason is death by hanging, drawing, and quartering.
  11. Improved working conditions and workers pay in China, India, and Africa.
  12. Indecent spying of a sexual nature, or nonconsensual recording of a person with the express intent of invading their privacy is punishable by 10 years in prison and mandatory professional help from a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist. 



-Tsar Alexander IV.


	5. May 24th, 2020

May 24th, 2020,

The public reaction to the arrest and subsequent death of the Chechnyan President has continued to cause me a headache. It was a decidedly mixed reaction. They saw it as their Emperor arresting a man who was getting rid of a group of people the world didn't want to exist in the first place. I am viewed as a champion of LGBTQ rights all over the world for my progressive laws concerning this matter, but in my own Empire I am viewed by many with loathing for it. I have never understood why Russia is so homophobic, especially after the events of the Cataclysm. Everybody lost somebody, too many for most people to still believe that God exists, yet my nation still clings to outdated medieval religious prejudice taken out of context from a book that was written over two thousand years ago. In this new Russia, MY Imperial Russia, there will be no room for such idiotic nonsense. If I must drag Russia down the road to tolerance, kicking and screaming with their paths greased by the blood of their own veins, then I will certainly do so. My long dead predecessor, Emperor Peter the Great, did the same to drag his nation into modernity and I will do the same if I must.

There is simply no reason why, in a modern enlightened society, it should be illegal for a human being to marry another human being of the same gender who is of the proper consenting age. It is a medieval practice based in religious intolerance and bigoted idiocy. If it were not for the promise of certain riots and revolution across the Empire, I would outlaw religion altogether. Of course, I have not confided this sentiment to the Tsarina. I fear she does not share my willingness to take more extreme actions in these cases. I already managed to legalize same sex marriage, although there were riots in the streets of Moscow. It was a celebrated in some parts of the Empire. The list of countries that comprise the Empire as of writing this reads thus:

  1. Russia
  2. Sweden
  3. Finland
  4. France(Napoleon is spinning in his grave, I'm sure.)
  5. Belgium
  6. the Netherlands
  7. Luxembourg
  8. Spain
  9. Estonia
  10. Slovakia
  11. Belarus
  12. Ukraine
  13. Moldova
  14. Georgia
  15. Armenia
  16. Saudi Arabia
  17. Yemen
  18. Tajikistan
  19. China
  20. India
  21. Bhutan
  22. North and South Korea
  23. the Pacific Islands
  24. Somalia
  25. Ethiopia
  26. Central African Republic
  27. Democratic Republic of the Congo
  28. Zambia
  29. Zimbabwe
  30. Mozambique
  31. Namibia
  32. Ghana
  33. California
  34. Puerto Rico
  35. Hispaniola (Haiti and the Dominican Republic)
  36. Belize
  37. Nicaragua
  38. Panama.



Now, the first eight states on the list celebrated the move. For the most part, the Pacific Islands and the last six states on the list did the same. The rest of the list is a amalgamation of nations with deep prejudices who, until I came along, sentenced their LGBTQ population to death. Many of the nations above are predominately Muslim, or predominately Catholic. Now I know not all Muslims or Catholics are homophobic. I've met many of them, from the Muslim girl named Imane I met in Paris during my first state visit, to the Catholic boy Senne I met during my first visit to Belgium. But the Catholics especially, do not have room to throw their stones from their glass palace. They say that gays are destroying the world, when they themselves have done far more damage to the world. The Crusades, The Spanish Inquisition, the burning of "heretics" by Queen Mary I of England, the Thirty Years War… the Catholic Church spent a large percentage of the last millennia constantly burning Europe to the ground, they currently rake in trillions in revenue every year, and they don't even PAY FUCKING TAXES?

Well, they're gonna fucking start. As of now, the Churches in my Empire must pay 35% of their TOTAL revenue in tax to the state. The next case that pops up about a bishop or any other priest molesting children in their congregations, I am increasing that rate to 75%. Watch how quickly the Pope cleans house when his little followers piss me off.

I have discussed this with King Robert, Emperor Toyatomi, and Sultan Justin. They agree full heartedly, and are planning to institute similar policies in their own dominions. We have also agreed to a total nuclear disarmament, something we all agree should have been done after the Cold War ended. It baffles me that we, four people who are barely old enough to drink, have more sense than all the leaders of the Old World.

But then again, in the US they tried to elect Donald Trump to the presidency before King Robert suspended their right to elect the President.

Also a more pleasant matter. Right after the arrest, I visited a hospital in Chechnya to meet some of the survivors of the Gay Purges. Rooms full of emaciated survivors exhibiting various symptoms of torture and attempted brainwashing, several men with their genitals mutilated. Now more than ever I am glad that son of a bitch is dead for what he did to my people.

I had a long and stimulating conversation that day, with a nineteen year boy, by the name of Connor Petrenko. I sat and talked with him for hours, and he treated me like a normal man, and not the Emperor of All Russia. It was refreshing, and I have been back to see him many dozens of times. I knew as soon as I saw him, emaciated in a hospital bed hooked up to an IV, that I was a goner. As he has regained his strength, he has only grown more beautiful. We share many of the same interests, and he is exceedingly wise and intelligent for somebody so young. He is over seven feet tall, skinny, with soft auburn hair and freckles. He is missing a front tooth, giving his grin a goofy joy to it. His eyes are of the deepest ocean blue…

I honestly believe I am falling in love with him. I want him desperately to be mine, but I have no idea how to ask him to be…

God, I sound like a lovesick teenager.

-Tsar Alexander IV


End file.
